Journal tidbits
It’s that time again, where I don’t have anything new to share with you, but I feel the urge to at least post something. So, you get tidbits from my journal. I flip through the pages and anything that amuses me gets typed up here. Is this cheating? Probably, but I won’t tell if you don’t. Here we go!
I sometimes question if I am cut out for being a parent. It’s hard. I question how good of a job I am doing. At least my kids are fed and unbeaten. Little victories.
A motorcycle roars down the street, loud and vexing to the quiet.
Like bad music on repeat. They say loud pipes save lives, but I don’t buy it.
There are times when I just don’t know what to write. This is at odds with me having the strongest urge to write. It makes for a very depressing loop to be stuck in.
When you were a kid did you ever put a laundry basket over your head and pretend you were in a jail cell?
I zone out a lot. Like a LOT. I don’t know if it is because of the ADHD or what but I feel like I can zone out, staring at a wall, and have not a single thought in my head. It’s like turning on some kind of numb mode in my brain.
Yesterday I got really depressed. Today I feel quite good. Emotional roller coasters are grand.
Last night as I was lying on the couch our three dogs jumped on top of me. They literally dog-piled me. My girls thought it was hilarious.
We had a huge thunderstorm last night. Heavy rain, lightning flashing across the sky, thunder crashing all around us. The camper would rock a bit every time a strong wind picked up. I laid in bed and suddenly thought there was something wrong because I realized I could hear four-wheelers zooming around in all this mess. Turns out it was just my brothers, joy riding in the rain as if they were kids again.
I thought I should see a heart doctor just to make sure my heart is in good, working order. Given the family history it is probably a good idea. I asked my doctor about it and he said, “I should know the family tree, you aren’t Dan’s kid, are you?” (non-journal note: Dan, my father, has a horrible history of heart problems and we see the same doctor.) I replied that I was, and my doctor goes “shit”. So, I have an appointment scheduled with a cardiologist now.
I threw my back out this morning. I was in the shower and reached for the bottle of conditioner. That, apparently, is all it takes these days.
The true darkness of ADHD is the lack of motivation. You may want to do something, desperately even, more so than anything else in the whole world but you just can’t. It’s what I imagine it is like when you are actually awake but in a comatose state. Aware, but trapped.
My favorite bird is the whip-poor-will. I have childhood memories of hearing them at the lake. I have always loved their call. I never actually saw what they looked like until much later in my life. As a child I envisioned them to be crane like. Turns out they are just ugly, little birds but I think they’re adorable.
They say things are alright
but it don’t feel that way
they say the numbers are good
and you’re doing ok
why do they get to decide
don’t I get a say
Stop telling me I’m good, I’m fine, and that I’m ok.
I should reread A Fine And Pleasant Misery by Patrick McManus. I remember loving that book when I was a kid.